Coregulation For Couples
Coregulation is one of the most important tools that we can learn when communicating with our partners. Learning how to meet our partners from a place of groundedness sets up our interaction for success.
Why is the Nervous System Important?
Our emotions are felt in our bodies. When we say we are sad or happy, scared or calm, there is most certainly a physical sensation associated with each of these words. That is our nervous systems at work.
There are three primary branches of the nervous system:
The ventral vagus, also called a “Flock State”. This involves the heart to brain connection. It is activated during states of safety and connectedness.
The sympathetic branch, also referred to as “Fight-Flight”. This represents the brain to spine and limbs connection. It is activated during times of stress, and involves a flooding of hormones that prepares our body for action.
The dorsal vagus, also called a “Fold State”. This involves the gut to brain connection and is characterized as a shut down response.
Understanding what is happening in our nervous system (and which branch is activated when), helps us understand ourselves and our relationships.
Why is Coregulation Necessary?
Our nervous systems interact! When one partner enters a state of dysregulation, it is very hard for the other to maintain Ventral Vagus activation. After all, the Ventral Vagus is activated through connection, and dysregulation/connection are often diametrically opposed.
As a result, when one partner enters Fight-Flight (Sympathetic activation), it is not uncommon for the other to Fold (Dorsal Vagal activation). Jan Winhall calls this phenomenon “Hailstorms and Turtles”. Our nervous systems have entered a dance where both partners are no longer in control. Therefore, to have a productive conversation, it is imperative that we return to a state of safety and the best way to do this is to coregulate.
Tip and Techniques
Start your interaction with a 20-second-long hug. Hold your own centre of gravity instead of falling into your partner. Give a comfortable but firm squeeze.
Offer your partner some form of grounding (box breathing, 5-4-3-2-1 grounding) both before the interaction and throughout as needed. This may also take the form of a small gesture or signal that reminds you to check in with your body.
Take breaks as needed. Remember to set time limits on breaks and use this time for grounding, not for rumination. To create safety in the relationship, it is important to keep promises and return to the topic at hand after both parties feel more capable.
Set up a structure in order to have a safe conversation. For example: use the Dialoguing Technique where partners take turns sharing. While one partner is speaking the other partner simply mirrors and validates. Then switch.
References
Horne (2023) Polyvagal Theory (PVT) Explained- Crib Sheet for Clients.
Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: the secret to unlocking the stress cycle. First edition. New York, Ballantine Books.
Winhall, J. (2021). Treating Trauma and Addiction with the Felt Sense Polyvagal Model: A Bottom-Up Approach (1st ed.). Routledge.